I don't know how to write this.

Nor do I ever expect to fully understand this.

All I know, is that it must be written and recorded somewhere. Perhaps this is the place


I have had a moment of... perhaps clarity, a time in which my consciousness touched something greater than myself, or simply that my mind clicked with at least a partial understanding of something that was greater than what we are supposed to know.

The first thing was that, I am simply not natural. Though this should well be common knowledge at this point it goes deeper, I have spent countless days and nights and money and what have you trying to figure out just what the fuck I was meant to be here for. I know within myself now that I am not meant for myself. That my fate is to effect others my touch upon the lives of others is somewhat vital to something greater. I will honestly admit that I am afraid. Perhaps I am crazy. I was once just a lazy guy escaping from life, responsibility and normality. Now to have a feeling that rocked the foundations of my own understanding of self is something not taken lightly.

From there to the second. I have never been a good son to either my father or mother, nor have I been that good of a friend to most close friends. I am a drunk, an addict to many things and in more ways than a few crazy

Christ that was hard to write.

I have been called so many things by so many people. To some I do know that I am the worst of people, a destroyer, to others I am an angel. Of both of these things I have been called to my face without the heat of emotion.

But who and or what am I?

My character is a shifting thing, and now I think I do realize what I am at last.

I am the catalyst.

I touch lives, and it seems that so far my touch has been to those that needed it. A shelter to a lonely wife with a husband that cares nothing of her. A friend to a person who thought they couldn't have one. A lover to one who did not understand the meaning of love. A brother to one in need. To most though I am nothing. Immediately forgettable and passed on as a face in the crowd. with certainty i came in when i was needed.

from here, where?

Soon I leave for my pilgrimage. And I have no idea where it will ultimately lead or climax.

may peace be with you always.
rylan